Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Sharks, Jets, and Raccoons
So, there is a raccoon turf war occurring on my patio.
Martha, the blind in one eye, toes missing from frostbite elder Momma raccoon has taken up residence in the feeding area. This is roughly equivalent to having the trash panda version of Blackbeard sculling around in your bathtub.
I don't toss Martha food- I hand it to her on a plate and hope she never figures out how door handles work. I once saw a possum kneel and kiss her ring.
Two young male raccoons, who I have taken to referring to as "Dumb and Dumber" or as "the raccoons soon to be late raccoons" decided to challenge her for the space.
As Martha isn't about to take crap from two want-to-be-Muppets, this was an idea somewhere in intelligence between "invade Russia in the winter" and "submarine screen door".
I am sitting at the work table and minding my own business when the snarling begins. Gently curious and ever ministerial, I glance out the door.
Martha has Dumb by one ear. He appears to be attempting either twerking or a rather determined escape. Whichever it is, it isn't working.
I take a sip of soda.
Dippy, never one to be left out, wanders over to the screen door and nods approvingly.
Dumber stands up in an effort to look menacing. Dippy snickers and lays down on her rug as Martha proceeds to pick up Dumb and calmly use him to beat Dumber about the head.
There is shrieking.
And some wailing.
There is a whirl of fur, with legs and eyes. Raccoons bounce off of the screen door in rapid-fire succession.
Martha is standing on Dumber. Dumb is standing on Dumber. Dumb and Dumber are trying to climb the screen to get away from Martha. Martha is wearing Dumb as a hat and riding Dumber in a circle.
Dippy begins to hop up and down on two legs- she appears to be flashing gang signs at Martha.
Martha picks up Dumb by the tail and begins to beat him against the side of the house. I think she is rolling a cigarette with her other hand.
Dippy falls over from sheer excitement. This is the ultimate in raccoon must see TV.
Suddenly there is silence. I hear what might be the theme from the Good the Bad and the Ugly.
Marshmallow steps onto the patio. There is a moment of frozen terror, and all hell breaks loose.
Raccoons explode in all directions- Dumb runs directly into the screen door and is rebounded backward. Dippy leaps at him- and gets stuck in the screen. She begins to scream.
Dumber begins to scream.
Marshmallow pounces, grinning.
It is over quickly.
Final count: Marshmallow 4, Martha 2, everyone else 0. I am not sure if Dumb and Dumber escaped or if they lay in pieces under the big chunks of raccoon hair on the patio. I am not looking.
Martha is taking a nap on the patio chair. Marshy is cleaning her foot and looking smug on the step.
Dippy is purring.
This is the most fun she's had all week.