These people do not live at my house.
Allow me to set the scene...
The hour is "Oh Dear God." I slowly drift from a rather pleasant dream where I am being menaced by a snarling wombat and realize that against all probability I am indeed awake at 4:30 am. I feel as if I am hungover- my mouth is full of fur and my head is buzzing.
Given that I do not drink, I ponder. WHY am I awake in such a state at 4:30 am? I attempt in a moment of zen calm to take stock of my situation.
I do not have to pee, much.
My feet do not itch.
Brian is asleep and not snoring.
My mouth is full of fur.
My mouth is really full of fur.
I cannot close my mouth because there is an entire cat face in it.
And the cat face is snoring.
I have possibly found my answer.
Crossing my eyes desperately, I look down. Nike Cat has stretched out under my blankets, and has decided for reasons known only to himself that my face hole is the perfect place to rest his chin.
I poke him and he opens his eyes.
We lay there. He does not break eye contact. It is awkward now.
I poke him again.
In the space of 30 seconds we try out several new sleeping positions: "cat tap dancing on Mommy's chest", "arm sloth", and "Jesus that's my groin" before mutually deciding on "Alien Face Hugger (TM)".
I attempt to take stock of the situation once again. My head is now pinned to the pillow. I have one cat hoof in each ear and he has begun slowly licking my left eyeball. He is purring. One rear foot is in my mouth, the other is invading my left nostril.
My pillow begins to growl.
Contorting myself instantly in ways never before known to humankind, I manage to rotate my head Exorcist fashion until I can get a look.
Never wanting to be left out, Dippy had apparently fallen asleep sitting upright, her back against the wall behind the bed and her back feet on the carpet. With a little stretching, this meant she could put her front legs on the bed under my pillow, and rest her chin on the mattress.
She looked like a malignant C-clamp.
And I had just woken her up.
There was a brief moment of existential uncertainty ("Why am I here? How will I die? Oh God why did I ever get a cat?") as Dippy attempted to marshal her limbs and teeth into an alien killing force.
As closely as I can remember the next few seconds went something like this:
- Dippy swats madly at Nike with both front feet, claws extended
- Dippy gets both front feet stuck to the mattress
- Nike begins to swat Dippy on the top of her little head with the paw which had previously been in my left ear.
- Lacking crampons, Dippy attempts to pull herself free by sinking her fangs into the nearest object and pulling.
- The nearest object is the crown of my head
- Nike goes back to sleep