The Dippy Cat

The Dippy Cat

Monday, October 28, 2013

It's the Tail, not She Who Tells It

We are not good with guests.

At the house in Ohio, our "guest bedroom" consisted of a futon in the library, with a mattress clearly designed by medieval torturers, on an off day, while drinking absinthe. Visitors didn't so much "go to bed" as "beat it into submission" and pray.

Knowing that we would be moving 7-8 hours away from the bulk of those foolish enough to visit (and being tired of hearing "The futon tried to kill me- I swear it was breathing) we took the sensible route. We bought a new wrought-iron type frame, in Queen size, and planned to put our current sleigh bed in the guest room we would create in Wisconsin. The futon would go into the basement office. We cleverly waited until we arrived in the land of cheese before switching.

Did it go well? I dunno- does the Pope enjoy speed dating?

You see, we forgot one important thing.

The Dippy Cat.

A week or so ago Brian manfully set up the new frame. Setup for Brian went something like this:

Empty all pipes onto the floor, in the kitchen- one story down from our bedroom.
Realize that this was not wise- attempt to put 11 billion pipes, 556 screws, and a thing shaped like an Escher triangle back in the box.
Watch as box shrieks, begins to growl, and tries to inch away under its own power.
Call exorcist.
Cancel exorcist.
Retrieve Dippy from frame box.
Stitch wounds caused by retrieval.

Carry 11 billion pipes manually to bedroom.
Realize pipes just got heavier.
Realize Dippy is riding on pipes.
Retrieve Dippy from pipes- lock in spare room.

Lay pipes in rough "bed" formation.
Hear yowling from spare room, and the inexplicable sound of velcro.
Ignore yowling and velco and begin first frame piece assembly.
Realize there is no velcro in spare room.
Run.
Retrieve Dippy from prisoner tunnel she has chewed through carpeting at door.
Lock her in bathroom.

Pin left side of bed frame to headboard.
The chorus of "Go Down Moses" erupts from bathroom.
Drop bedframe on toe as Dippy yodels out "Let my people GOOOOOOO."
Swear.
Open bathroom door.
Note that Dippy has climbed the expensive designer "bath sheets" and become tangled in the weave.
Watch screaming cat caught in oversized towel swing back and forth from towel rack.
Contemplate life without bed.
Realize that cat claws have gone through both sides of oversized towel.
Attempt removal- succeed in creating cat based roller-towel assembly.
Roller-towel assembly very bitey.
Contemplate sales potential of snarling, hissing, linens.
Contemplate divorce.
Use plunger to stop cat and towel from spinning.
Throw away splinters.
Cut towel off of rack.
Watch as cat hops away- towel still attached.
Watch as towel catches on bedframe.
Pull Dippy off of towel.
Realize that she has her fangs caught in the screw holes on the bed.
Using ninja skills, remove fangs from bed frame.
Stitch wounds caused by removal.

On hands and knees, begin putting in crossbars.
Realize something is snoring.
Realize that Dippy is asleep.
Finish bed frame in 48 seconds- using all four limbs and teeth to increase speed.
Realize shirt is now bolted to bed leg.
Shrug- never liked shirt that much anyway.
Nude from waist up, throw bed skirt over frame.
Retrieve Dippy from under bed skirt.
Place mattress on frame and begin adding sheets.
Retrieve Dippy from under fitted sheet.
Add blankets and comforters.
Where is Dippy?
Note suspicious lump under covers.
Add decorative pillows until it is no longer visible.

Go down to the basement, and take a nap on the futon.